Sara's Abusive Partner

" We have good times. We are great friends with common interests, but sometimes I feel my husband is abusive. I mean emotionally." Sara, 32, is confused. She doesn't know if her husband is abusive or psychologically disturbed as he is inconsistent.

" I'm scared of getting close to him because I feel like the minute he understands I need him, he changes. He neglects me, hurts me physically and when I complain, he says that was out of love." She adds. Sara does not know what she is suffering. Her husband gets away with everything by making her feel like he is totally in love with her. He believes he isentitled to do whatever he wants to her.

Let's break down Sara's case.

1. She is confused, uncertain if he is abusive or psychologically disturbed: This in itself is a red flag. If you feel like your partner is struggling with a tough emotional experience, offer him help. Be supportive of consulting a professional. If he ignores this or denies he is emotionally disturbed, it might not be healthy for you to continue in the relationship. He might really be abusive here.

2. Sara's husband is manipulative. He plays her in their good times (Sara mentions their friendship) and hurts her when she least expects it. All good friends cannot be partners, and a great friendship alone is not a reason to stay in an otherwise abusive marriage.

3. She is worried about getting close to him. This is a classic red flag. You should be vulnerable and sensitive with your partner. If your partner is waiting for an opportunity to make you feel uneasy, they are not the right person for you. Kind people would never make their partners feel like Sara did. We all deserve a kind and gentle relationship.

How to deal with:

1. Gain clarity: Remember, abuse is not always a big physical assault. It can be subtle emotional/physical incidentsthat test your tolerance. The more you let go, the more intense it becomes.

2. Stop negotiating: An abusive situation is no place to negotiate, rather set boudaries. Instead of saying "don't know you this hurt me", try " do not do this to me"

3. Involve someone: Let your close friend or someone from the family whom you trust know what you are experiencing. If you have a problem explaining your situation in detail, give them an idea of what is going on. This will enable them to offer help and the issue would not come up as a surprise.

4. Take help: Do not let the troubles affect your overall well-being or other aspects of life. Do not hesitate to take professional help

5. Allow yourself to heal: Certain events leave you with stress and make you feel exhuasted. Give yourself time to heal and recover. Take things slow.

The end of a relationship does not mean the end of your life. As a matter of fact, your life will flourish when your abuser leaves.

Things will fall into place. All you need to do is choose yourself!

(NB: Sara is a pseudonym)